Now, I’m not the type of person to surround myself with dramatic people. My girlfriends don’t cause any unnecessary drama, and neither have any guys I’ve dated long-term been overly ‘protective’ (read: paranoid) or jealous. Even as a moody pre-teen and then as a hormonal teenager, I never gravitated towards people who would start issues for no apparent reason.
I’m telling you this because of what’s about to happen next.
I entered the establishment and saw him right away. And he was as attractive as his pics – SCORE!
Walking right up to him though, I realised something was a little off.
Not in like a creepy way, it was just that he seemed a bit too happy to be out with someone he didn’t even know or hadn’t even talked with (even if I am attractive…).
Then, it dawned on me.
This guy was like high off his face…
WHY DO SO MANY GUYS HAVE TO SMOKE WEED ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME?!
And indeed, I was correct with my hunch, for about 15 minutes into the conversation, he casually dropped in that he loves pot, has been smoking it since he was like 14, smokes it all the time, and if I’m not 4/20 friendly, then essentially I can GTFO.
Ah, what a winner, I thought.
Oh well… he was hot, so I’d give him a second chance. (Sidenote: strange how the human mind works, no? He’s hot? Okay! I’ll put up with his bullshit!)
We got some more beers and sat talking, me trying not to laugh at the fact that he was soooo high right now.
I guess the beer did what it’s supposed to do, because he suddenly hops out of his chair, announcing that he has to pee.
I’m like “cool, whatever dude”, and take out my phone.
So, a little preface to this: about 4 years ago, when Siri on the iPhone was still entertaining, Hannah and I realised that you could ask Siri to give nicknames to contacts of yours. This of course prompted a hilarious 40 minutes of us trying to rename all the contacts in my phone, and Hannah’s nickname turned out to be Sex Kitten.
Unfortunately (or fortunately – depends how you look at it), I’ve never been able to undo Sex Kitten from Hannah’s number. Even though I manually deleted the nickname from her contact info, and Hannah is merely Hannah [insert last name here] in my phonebook, whenever she texts or calls me, my iPhone still decides to make her name come up as “Sex Kitten”.
Classic.
To any innocent bystander who would be peeping over my shoulder then, it looked like I was texting someone literally named Sex Kitten…
It also doesn’t help that Cosmo told me once that I would get wrinkles from squinting at my phone so much, so I’ve made (and kept) the font-size much larger…
Well, unbeknownst to me, High-As-Pie was done weeing, and was apparently lurking behind my back, READING WHAT I WAS WRITING TO HANNAH AKA SEX KITTEN.
Suddenly, he comes back over to the table, grabs his beer in a white-knuckled grasp, and blurts out sarcastically (and aggressively), “This has been great but this ISN’T FOR ME!!!!”
Then, he walks away. Leaving me dumbfounded and still at the table, beer in mid-air, phone in front of me, and mouth gaping wide open.
Uhhhhh….. wait. What just happened?
I looked at the imaginary video camera that was filming my life right now, and rolled my eyes to the imaginary audience.
What. The. Actual. Balls!
Did I say something? Do I smell?
Whatever it was, I did NOT understand what elicited that severe of a reaction, since I thought we were vibing (the fact that he’s a pot-head, aside).
After collecting myself for a hot second, I ran after him.
Good thing he was so cross-faded that he didn’t actually make it out the door. I walked up to him, looked him square in the eyes, and asked “Uh. What was that about?!”
He responds, “SEX KITTEN?! Who’s SEX KITTEN?!?!?!” The anger in his voice was evident.
But I’m tellin’ ya, I almost choked on my stifled laughter.
He was pissed because I was texting my friend? My girlfriend? What an actual weirdo.
Against all odds I tried to rationally speak to him, like I would any other adult… I said, “It’s my friend. Her name is Hannah. Sex Kitten is just her nickname in my phone”.
He responds, “Yeah. That’s what they all say”!
Okay, really? He seriously didn’t believe me?
More on his part: “How would you feel if I was texting someone named Sex Kitten”?
‘Honestly,’ I thought to myself, ‘I’d probably think you’re even more of a weirdo than I already think you are’. But I kept that to myself, for obvious reasons.
Never before had I experienced a jealous rage like this before, from anyone. And let me remind you, this was our absolute FIRST date. A bit of an overreaction, don’t you think?
The longer I stood there, the more pissed I became. I would not let some rando pot-head accuse me of sexting another man or whatever when I was literally talking nonsense with my FEMALE FRIEND.
So, “Wanna talk to her”?, I retorted.
He shook his head and tried to ignore me.
To no avail.
I immediately phoned Hannah, and God Bless Her, she picked up right away. Poor thing probably had no idea what was going on, but I was like, “Hey. Wanna speak to _____”?
I didn’t even give her a chance to answer before I thrust the phone against his ear.
His face looked confused for a second before kind of settling into resignation that indeed, HE WAS WRONG ABOUT SEX KITTEN’S IDENTITY!
Who woulda thunk it?!
I mean come ONNNNN man.
Ugh. It was all so foreign for me, this weird jealous-guy stuff. It most definitely made me realise that I do not like - nor do I want - that trait in any potential partner (read my thoughts on overly protected dudes here). But, at least I was in the right, and he was in the wrong, and I did get some satisfaction from standing my ground and proving that I was telling the truth!
Also, for the record, I would never text another guy while on a date with a different one. I’m too respectful for that.
I’m telling you this because of what’s about to happen next.
One Friday night I was en route back home, when I got a Tinder™ message from a guy (who was super hot – think black hair, tanned skin, cut bod…), asking me to go on a spontaneous drinks-date with him. Since it was about 10pm and I didn’t have anything else lined up for the night except for a hot makeout (drooling) sesh with my pillow, I took him up on his offer.
I let him know where I was based, making it clear that I did not intend to travel far to meet someone I hadn’t even messaged with. Surprisingly, he was fine with that (so chivalrous!) and met me at a bar close to my place.
I entered the establishment and saw him right away. And he was as attractive as his pics – SCORE!
Walking right up to him though, I realised something was a little off.
Not in like a creepy way, it was just that he seemed a bit too happy to be out with someone he didn’t even know or hadn’t even talked with (even if I am attractive…).
He didn’t have any problem making conversation, which was nice, if it hadn’t been like hyper conversation. Lots of unnecessary laughter, loud comments, and a weird ‘too focused-ness’ was going on. When I would speak, he would focus his eyes straight on me, as if to appear really concentrated, when I knew he was actually totally not listening to anything I was saying.
Then, it dawned on me.
This guy was like high off his face…
WHY DO SO MANY GUYS HAVE TO SMOKE WEED ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME?!
And indeed, I was correct with my hunch, for about 15 minutes into the conversation, he casually dropped in that he loves pot, has been smoking it since he was like 14, smokes it all the time, and if I’m not 4/20 friendly, then essentially I can GTFO.
Ah, what a winner, I thought.
Oh well… he was hot, so I’d give him a second chance. (Sidenote: strange how the human mind works, no? He’s hot? Okay! I’ll put up with his bullshit!)
We got some more beers and sat talking, me trying not to laugh at the fact that he was soooo high right now.
I guess the beer did what it’s supposed to do, because he suddenly hops out of his chair, announcing that he has to pee.
I’m like “cool, whatever dude”, and take out my phone.
Now, my friend Hannah (yes, that is her real name OMG! A real name on this blog for once! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! ... I figured it was common enough that you wouldn’t track her down) had also randomly had a spontaneous Tinder™ date that same night, so I thought I’d check in with her and ask how it was going while High-As-Pie was in the bathroom.
So, a little preface to this: about 4 years ago, when Siri on the iPhone was still entertaining, Hannah and I realised that you could ask Siri to give nicknames to contacts of yours. This of course prompted a hilarious 40 minutes of us trying to rename all the contacts in my phone, and Hannah’s nickname turned out to be Sex Kitten.
Unfortunately (or fortunately – depends how you look at it), I’ve never been able to undo Sex Kitten from Hannah’s number. Even though I manually deleted the nickname from her contact info, and Hannah is merely Hannah [insert last name here] in my phonebook, whenever she texts or calls me, my iPhone still decides to make her name come up as “Sex Kitten”.
Classic.
To any innocent bystander who would be peeping over my shoulder then, it looked like I was texting someone literally named Sex Kitten…
It also doesn’t help that Cosmo told me once that I would get wrinkles from squinting at my phone so much, so I’ve made (and kept) the font-size much larger…
Well, unbeknownst to me, High-As-Pie was done weeing, and was apparently lurking behind my back, READING WHAT I WAS WRITING TO HANNAH AKA SEX KITTEN.
Suddenly, he comes back over to the table, grabs his beer in a white-knuckled grasp, and blurts out sarcastically (and aggressively), “This has been great but this ISN’T FOR ME!!!!”
Then, he walks away. Leaving me dumbfounded and still at the table, beer in mid-air, phone in front of me, and mouth gaping wide open.
Uhhhhh….. wait. What just happened?
I looked at the imaginary video camera that was filming my life right now, and rolled my eyes to the imaginary audience.
What. The. Actual. Balls!
Did I say something? Do I smell?
Whatever it was, I did NOT understand what elicited that severe of a reaction, since I thought we were vibing (the fact that he’s a pot-head, aside).
After collecting myself for a hot second, I ran after him.
Good thing he was so cross-faded that he didn’t actually make it out the door. I walked up to him, looked him square in the eyes, and asked “Uh. What was that about?!”
He responds, “SEX KITTEN?! Who’s SEX KITTEN?!?!?!” The anger in his voice was evident.
But I’m tellin’ ya, I almost choked on my stifled laughter.
He was pissed because I was texting my friend? My girlfriend? What an actual weirdo.
Against all odds I tried to rationally speak to him, like I would any other adult… I said, “It’s my friend. Her name is Hannah. Sex Kitten is just her nickname in my phone”.
He responds, “Yeah. That’s what they all say”!
Okay, really? He seriously didn’t believe me?
More on his part: “How would you feel if I was texting someone named Sex Kitten”?
‘Honestly,’ I thought to myself, ‘I’d probably think you’re even more of a weirdo than I already think you are’. But I kept that to myself, for obvious reasons.
Never before had I experienced a jealous rage like this before, from anyone. And let me remind you, this was our absolute FIRST date. A bit of an overreaction, don’t you think?
The longer I stood there, the more pissed I became. I would not let some rando pot-head accuse me of sexting another man or whatever when I was literally talking nonsense with my FEMALE FRIEND.
So, “Wanna talk to her”?, I retorted.
He shook his head and tried to ignore me.
To no avail.
I immediately phoned Hannah, and God Bless Her, she picked up right away. Poor thing probably had no idea what was going on, but I was like, “Hey. Wanna speak to _____”?
I didn’t even give her a chance to answer before I thrust the phone against his ear.
His face looked confused for a second before kind of settling into resignation that indeed, HE WAS WRONG ABOUT SEX KITTEN’S IDENTITY!
Who woulda thunk it?!
I mean come ONNNNN man.
Ugh. It was all so foreign for me, this weird jealous-guy stuff. It most definitely made me realise that I do not like - nor do I want - that trait in any potential partner (read my thoughts on overly protected dudes here). But, at least I was in the right, and he was in the wrong, and I did get some satisfaction from standing my ground and proving that I was telling the truth!
Also, for the record, I would never text another guy while on a date with a different one. I’m too respectful for that.
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ReplyDeleteOmg, firstly yes so funny how the mind works. I keep thinking I deserve better than the guy I am (sort of) seeing and then he sends me a funny message with a "this is so you x" and I forget that I am seriously questioning "us"
ReplyDeleteAnd speaking of standing the ground when I first got with the guy I'm (sort of) seeing the online dating site we were using sent him a message saying I was online when I wasn't. He went mad, because when I told him I wasn't online he thought I was lying (as he checked and apparently I was there online) which I get cause no-one wants that shit. But I got so indignant at being accused of being something I am not... I was giving him passwords and asking th company to explain it was an error. In the end it was more about me proving I wasn;t lying because I am not like that, than me actually caring if this meant he was going to break up with me!