Tinderella

Don't judge me after you've read this post! Namely, because I've actually seen this guy a few times since our first date, and he isn't half bad.  But rolling back the clock, my first date with Chris* happened on a Sunday afternoon in April. We had been texting, organising ourselves for said date, and Chris let me know that he had made reservations at this fancy brasserie (read: restaurant, not brassiere, although I'm sure he'd have liked reservations in my brazier...).  Anyway, we agreed to meet halfway between my house and the restaurant itself, and about 20 minutes before I was due to step out of my door, Chris texts me this long message blatantly admitting how he had looked me up on Google.  Now, I'm not going to tell you who I am, but when you look me up on Google, you find some pretty personal things on there (not in a bad way at all, just personal, which I'm not necessarily complaining about since I knew the material would be put out to the world...

Even though I'd been seeing Chris* a few times, a woman's gotta hedge her bets, amiright? So without further ado, I got my a$$ back on Tinder™.  I was scrollin' through my options one fine evening whilst lying in bed - lala lala la - and I came across this one guy on there whose first picture was of him faux-cowering on the floor while a person in a polar bear suit "attacked" him.  Now, I don't know if you ever do this, but on the iPhone you can invert the colours so that you can look at your phone before you go to sleep without your brain getting wound up by the stimulating LED screen #Science.  Anyway, I had my phone on "inverted colours" mode (which I realise kind of defeats the purpose of creeping Tinder™ dudes cuz they all look like faceless ghouls - BUT WHATEVER) and when I encountered Polar Bear Guy, I was like OHMYGOD. The polar bear costume was inverted in its colours, and of course polar bears are white, thus the inverse of that would be ...

It involves a dead cat, a midget*, sperm, 50 Shades of Grey, and strippers. I was asked by AB3 from  AB3 & Sammy  to write about my worst date ever. Strangely enough, I hadn't actually thought about doing that until AB3 asked, so I hope you enjoy! They'll be featuring this same story on their blog, so check it out over there. And check them out! Cuz they're awesome :) So before I realized Tinder™ was a thing, I was naiive enough to try OkCupid™. So although this happened 3 years ago, it’s still burned into my mind as The Weirdest Date Ever. Point Blank. Period. I had been chatting with this guy on OkCupid™ for a while, and he seemed decent enough. His pictures were nice – not too ugly, not too hot (I’m always wary of the “too attractive ones”, they’re probably always catfish). OkCupid™ also has a section where you can put your height, and his height was either “normal” (like 5’7 or 5’8) or he hadn’t filled it out (I can’t remember exactly). Either way, he seemed  ...

When we have a new man, most of us women tend to find ourselves asking the question: “Why does he want to sleep with me so bad”? “Can’t he wait a  little  longer before pouncing on me”? We’re known to be the gender that wants to ‘take it slow’; we’re the ones getting the reputation as wanting to be ‘courted’ and ‘romanced’ before having sex. But what about when  we  want to get down and dirty, and the guy doesn’t? What happens when he doesn’t want to sleep with you?  Why  in the world doesn’t he want to sleep with you? Well, that’s what I asked myself one night when I found myself in a Tinder™ guy’s room with all our clothes in a heap on the floor and our naked bodies wrapped around each other. I hoarsely whisper, “Do you have a condom”? He answers, “Uh. I don’t know”. I think to myself: Does he mean this in the regard that he does have them, but he doesn’t know where they are, is he trying to appear blasé and entice me into having condomless sex with him...

Now, I’m not the type of person to surround myself with dramatic people. My girlfriends don’t cause any unnecessary drama, and neither have any guys I’ve dated long-term been overly ‘protective’ (read: paranoid) or jealous. Even as a moody pre-teen and then as a hormonal teenager, I never gravitated towards people who would start issues for no apparent reason. I’m telling you this because of what’s about to happen next. One Friday night I was en route back home, when I got a Tinder™ message from a guy (who was super hot – think black hair, tanned skin, cut bod…), asking me to go on a spontaneous drinks-date with him. Since it was about 10pm and I didn’t have anything else lined up for the night except for a hot makeout (drooling) sesh with my pillow, I took him up on his offer. I let him know where I was based, making it clear that I did not intend to travel far to meet someone I hadn’t even messaged with. Surprisingly, he was fine with that (so chivalrous!) and met me at a bar...