It involves a dead cat, a midget*, sperm, 50 Shades of Grey, and strippers.
I was asked by AB3 from AB3 & Sammy to write about my worst date ever. Strangely enough, I hadn't actually thought about doing that until AB3 asked, so I hope you enjoy! They'll be featuring this same story on their blog, so check it out over there. And check them out! Cuz they're awesome :)
So before I realized Tinder™ was a thing, I was naiive enough to try OkCupid™. So although this happened 3 years ago, it’s still burned into my mind as The Weirdest Date Ever. Point Blank. Period.
I had been chatting with this guy on OkCupid™ for a while, and he seemed decent enough. His pictures were nice – not too ugly, not too hot (I’m always wary of the “too attractive ones”, they’re probably always catfish). OkCupid™ also has a section where you can put your height, and his height was either “normal” (like 5’7 or 5’8) or he hadn’t filled it out (I can’t remember exactly). Either way, he seemed normal. As in, definitely not weird. And he gave me no real reason to doubt his normalness.
So naturally, since I hate talking to someone over messenger/text for too long before I scope them out in real life, we made plans to meet over a drink. He chose the place, and I went along with it.
As I was walking over to the bar downtown where OkCupid™ dude had suggested we meet up, my phone rang. I saw that it was my dad. Hm. Weird that he’d be calling me at this hour, I thought. I answered it, a bit worried.
Low and behold, I should have been worried. Because the reason my dad was calling was to let me know that our beloved cat had passed away. From breast cancer. WHO EVEN KNEW CATS COULD GET BREAST CANCER???!!!
I loved her so much, and to get this news right now, before a date, was (for lack of better words) mega sucky. I would have rather gone home and cried myself to sleep. But here I was, walking toward a bar to meet a strange man off the Internet, and my cat was dead, and I hadn’t even got to say a proper goodbye.
Goddammit. I thought to myself.
I attempted to push the sad thoughts from my mind though, and focused on the task ahead: entice this stranger with my charms and wit.
The bar was pretty empty when I got there, as it was a regular ole Tuesday evening. As I entered the establishment, I saw a tiny man arguing with the bartender about a drink he had gotten.
As in, being really rude and obnoxious, his raised voice floating all the way to the doorway where I stood.
For a moment the hilarious thought passed my mind that “oh god, that’s probably my date”.
But that’d be ludicrous! Hopefully my date wouldn’t be so distasteful as to be arguing with the bartender at the place we’re supposed to be for a couple hours?
As I tentatively walked into the bar, the tiny, angry man abandoned his feud with the bartender and began approaching me.
He walked straight up to me, stuck out his hand, and asked “Are you Tinderella”? (okay, Tinderella is not actually my real name, but you get the gist).
I just stared.
This man about reached my collarbone, and even worse, he was mousy-looking and nerdy (and clearly kind of a d-bag since he was bein’ all douchey to the bartender).
I breathed deeply and thought to myself, “Well, I may as well give him a chance. Who’s to say he isn’t really the nicest guy ever?”
So I smiled, shook his hand, and said “Yes. Thatsa me.”
He led me over to our table in the corner – oh. At this point I should also probably let you know that since this was technically the first online dating experience I had ever had, I made my two best friends come with me to this bar (incognito of course), and they were seated at a table a ways away from me and midget*.
At this point in time I didn’t yet think this was going to be the weirdest date ever. Rather, I just kinda sat there and attempted to make small-talk, as you do.
So, just to make conversation (since it seemed a bit stilted), I asked my date what he was doing for the upcoming weekend.
He answered with something you never wanna hear: “Do you really wanna know”?
I was like… uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. Do I though?
But of course, this was just a segway for him to tell me ANYWAYS.
“Well, you see”, He began. “I’m actually being followed by a team of filmmakers. They’re making a documentary about sperm donors and they’re going to profile me”.
You can imagine my reaction: “Uh. Wait. What”?! “Come again”?!
So he clarified.
So before I realized Tinder™ was a thing, I was naiive enough to try OkCupid™. So although this happened 3 years ago, it’s still burned into my mind as The Weirdest Date Ever. Point Blank. Period.
I had been chatting with this guy on OkCupid™ for a while, and he seemed decent enough. His pictures were nice – not too ugly, not too hot (I’m always wary of the “too attractive ones”, they’re probably always catfish). OkCupid™ also has a section where you can put your height, and his height was either “normal” (like 5’7 or 5’8) or he hadn’t filled it out (I can’t remember exactly). Either way, he seemed normal. As in, definitely not weird. And he gave me no real reason to doubt his normalness.
So naturally, since I hate talking to someone over messenger/text for too long before I scope them out in real life, we made plans to meet over a drink. He chose the place, and I went along with it.
As I was walking over to the bar downtown where OkCupid™ dude had suggested we meet up, my phone rang. I saw that it was my dad. Hm. Weird that he’d be calling me at this hour, I thought. I answered it, a bit worried.
Low and behold, I should have been worried. Because the reason my dad was calling was to let me know that our beloved cat had passed away. From breast cancer. WHO EVEN KNEW CATS COULD GET BREAST CANCER???!!!
I loved her so much, and to get this news right now, before a date, was (for lack of better words) mega sucky. I would have rather gone home and cried myself to sleep. But here I was, walking toward a bar to meet a strange man off the Internet, and my cat was dead, and I hadn’t even got to say a proper goodbye.
Goddammit. I thought to myself.
I attempted to push the sad thoughts from my mind though, and focused on the task ahead: entice this stranger with my charms and wit.
The bar was pretty empty when I got there, as it was a regular ole Tuesday evening. As I entered the establishment, I saw a tiny man arguing with the bartender about a drink he had gotten.
As in, being really rude and obnoxious, his raised voice floating all the way to the doorway where I stood.
For a moment the hilarious thought passed my mind that “oh god, that’s probably my date”.
But that’d be ludicrous! Hopefully my date wouldn’t be so distasteful as to be arguing with the bartender at the place we’re supposed to be for a couple hours?
As I tentatively walked into the bar, the tiny, angry man abandoned his feud with the bartender and began approaching me.
He walked straight up to me, stuck out his hand, and asked “Are you Tinderella”? (okay, Tinderella is not actually my real name, but you get the gist).
I just stared.
This man about reached my collarbone, and even worse, he was mousy-looking and nerdy (and clearly kind of a d-bag since he was bein’ all douchey to the bartender).
I breathed deeply and thought to myself, “Well, I may as well give him a chance. Who’s to say he isn’t really the nicest guy ever?”
So I smiled, shook his hand, and said “Yes. Thatsa me.”
He led me over to our table in the corner – oh. At this point I should also probably let you know that since this was technically the first online dating experience I had ever had, I made my two best friends come with me to this bar (incognito of course), and they were seated at a table a ways away from me and midget*.
At this point in time I didn’t yet think this was going to be the weirdest date ever. Rather, I just kinda sat there and attempted to make small-talk, as you do.
So, just to make conversation (since it seemed a bit stilted), I asked my date what he was doing for the upcoming weekend.
He answered with something you never wanna hear: “Do you really wanna know”?
I was like… uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. Do I though?
But of course, this was just a segway for him to tell me ANYWAYS.
“Well, you see”, He began. “I’m actually being followed by a team of filmmakers. They’re making a documentary about sperm donors and they’re going to profile me”.
You can imagine my reaction: “Uh. Wait. What”?! “Come again”?!
So he clarified.
Apparently he was a SPERM DONOR, and I quote, apparently his “little guys were very active, but didn’t like being frozen”.
I almost choked on my wine.
Did I hear incorrectly or did he just talk about HIS SPERM 5 minutes into this date?
Unfortunately, I had heard correctly.
I laughed uncomfortably and said something along the lines of “Good for you” etc., and tried to steer the conversation elsewhere. Anywhere but to a deep discussion about his (probably VERY tiny) sperm.
So naturally, the conversation gets to 50 Shades of Grey. How? I dunno. Why? I dunno. But it did.
Now, I’ve only ever read the first 20 pages of the first book, and didn’t even get to any of the sexing because the writing was so terrible. And I told my date this.
He of course counters this by saying he loved all three books in the trilogy.
EW. I mean, I’m sorry. But that’s weird. What grown man openly admits that he’s read all three books, and furthermore, LIKED all three books about BDSM that are terribly written and colloquially known as “old lady porn”. Amiright?! Yes. I’m right.
So, just to mess with him a little bit (and because I do actually feel this way), I told him that I think 50 Shades of Grey is a bit sexist as the female is very subjugated (in more ways than one) and not fully developed as a complex character. Thus, I said “I’m gonna write a book about a dominatrix, and it’s gonna sell way more copies than 50 Shades of Grey”.
Welp. I suppose he took that to heart for some reason (maybe he also thought he was E.L. James, who knows), because next thing you know he says “I don’t think so. I read your OkCupid™ profile, and you weren’t a very good writer”.
Ohhhh man. I was seething after this last comment.
You can talk to me about your sperm, you can be a foot shorter than me, but You. Do Not. Insult. My. Writing. I won the English Award practically every year back in high school, thank you very much.
So at that, I picked myself up off my chair, icily said “I think we’re about done here then”, and then high-tailed it outta the bar and across the street to the nearest other bar.
This happened to be the Hard Rock.
I literally asked the bartender to make me the strongest drink that they had regardless of the price, and texted my friends, telling them where I was.
In no time, they met me at the Hard Rock and I bought shots for everyone. They of course were completely surprised that I hadn’t been enjoying myself, since they heard a lot of laughter.
I corrected them. It was nervous laughter. And yes, they’re correct, there was a lot of it cuz this guy was EFFING WEIRD.
After buying a few more rounds of shots, and getting a bit tipso, I thought this night couldn’t get any weirder, so we may as well go to a strip club.
Don’t ask me about my logic behind this one, but God bless my two best friends, for they were like “Okay, sure. Let’s go to a strip club on a random Tuesday night. No problem”. What ANGELS.
So, we went to the strip club, made friends with the bouncer, and got lap dances. May I also just say that in the UK they take everything off… Like, I had ass THIS close to my face, and vagina THIS close to my face.
Awesome. But actually.
All in all, it was a decent end to the weirdest date ever, I have to say.
My only concluding thoughts are this: Sperm donating organizations really need to make sure their donors undergo serious psychological testing, cuz this guy was a Total. Basketcase. And I feel bad for any woman who gets impregnated with those sperm. Dear lord…
Anyway, please lemme know if your date trumps my weirdest date ever. I’d love to hear about it! :)
Lots o' Love,
Tinderella xxxxx
*I’m aware this is not PC, and I apologize to anyone who is offended. I just don’t know how else to describe him, and for comedic effect I thought I would use this term. Again, apologies.
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